Muddling Through

"Muddle" - confused, mixed up, unsorted. That pretty much explains the stage of the game of life these days. Everyone in my family is anxious about my Mother's first day of Chemotherapy tomorrow, March 1st. I, on the other hand, know just how she will play this one out. She'll stick it out just for one treatment, then give up. I know that Mom is doing this to show everyone some effort on her part. That would allow her guilt to eleviate long enough to get some rest. She really just wants to be done with everything.

I understand her all too well. My Mom is so strong, brave and determined. One thing she has always been is determined. She never tried for anything that she knew she wouldn't get. She never tried for something she didn't want. Circumstances surrounding her are changing this philosophy of her's. Now, she is doing things that she normally would care less about. But, because these things are so meaningful to others....she is making exceptions. I don't like to see her compromise who she is, and what she stands for. I would just like her to stand her ground and be happy with the choices that she makes, and the heck with what everybody thinks. I know this recent loss of control over life's situations is making her feel less like herself. I would hate to think that she just muddled through the last days of her life. I would love to see her go out with zest. She lives her life with zest for what is important to her, even if it is just gambling and chocolate tastycakes!

I really hope that once this week is past and the family has all come together...that Mom can do, say and feel the way she used to, with zest.

Thanks for letting me vent,
Jeannie