Muddling Through

"Muddle" - confused, mixed up, unsorted. That pretty much explains the stage of the game of life these days. Everyone in my family is anxious about my Mother's first day of Chemotherapy tomorrow, March 1st. I, on the other hand, know just how she will play this one out. She'll stick it out just for one treatment, then give up. I know that Mom is doing this to show everyone some effort on her part. That would allow her guilt to eleviate long enough to get some rest. She really just wants to be done with everything.

I understand her all too well. My Mom is so strong, brave and determined. One thing she has always been is determined. She never tried for anything that she knew she wouldn't get. She never tried for something she didn't want. Circumstances surrounding her are changing this philosophy of her's. Now, she is doing things that she normally would care less about. But, because these things are so meaningful to others....she is making exceptions. I don't like to see her compromise who she is, and what she stands for. I would just like her to stand her ground and be happy with the choices that she makes, and the heck with what everybody thinks. I know this recent loss of control over life's situations is making her feel less like herself. I would hate to think that she just muddled through the last days of her life. I would love to see her go out with zest. She lives her life with zest for what is important to her, even if it is just gambling and chocolate tastycakes!

I really hope that once this week is past and the family has all come together...that Mom can do, say and feel the way she used to, with zest.

Thanks for letting me vent,
Jeannie

Life's Inventory

There comes certain times in everyone's life, when you take inventory. I mean a soulfull inventory. It can be relative to many different aspects of life, such as good friends, accomplishments, and happiness levels. But, utimately an inventory of what contributes to making our hearts and soul feel good.

With all that is happening in my world right now, I have come to take some inventory of my life. I know that I am where I am supposed to be at this point in my life. Everything and everyone has lead me to this moment. I will continue to learn from each event that tugs on my heart. I have wonderful friends and family that love me, unconditionally. I am lucky to be me.

With this said, maybe this is the reason that my Mother can be so strong at this time of her life. Maybe she feels that she has accomplished all that she has set out to do. Maybe she feels that she is where she is supposed to be at this moment. Maybe her heart is full of love received by friends and family. This inventory of life may contribute to her level of strength and calmness. It's almost like a graduation of life. Time to start a new business, take new inventory, make new dreams.

I realize by all these reflections, that life is made longer by each day that we embrace to the fullest. Each goal that we set to accomplish. Each relationship that we nurture and develop. There is time for all of us to make our souls happy and fulfilled. We just need to check our inventory every once in a while.

Thanks for letting me vent,
Jeannie

When A Parent Becomes Ill

I am currently accepting the fact that my mom has terminal small cell lung cancer. Though she is strong, I am not. I have come to realize that knowing you are going to die, is worse than a sudden death. At least, that is how I feel about the subject. It gives you too much idle time to think about every memory from as young as one can remember.

When you have small children at home, it is difficult to keep your feelings at bay. They sense it like dogs. They know you are sad. It is very difficult to try to explain, and sometimes not a good idea either.

I'm not sure where I am going with this post, except that I needed to put "it" out there. I like to use this blog as a journal to vent my feelings. And, in the process, maybe reach someone reading it. All I can say is "don't smoke", "love your children", "learn to appreciate who/where/what you came from". What does not kill us will ultimately make us stronger. I hope that is true in the end.

Thanks for letting me vent,
Jeannie